I would never want to belong to any livejournal

chadtothelimit @ 2009-05-30T17:24:00

2009-05-30T21:27:19Z

I finally finished all the cleaning/throwing things out/reorganizing for tomorrow. In the process I came across some old pictures. It's interesting to see so many changes in my life over the past 9 years.

One was a picture of Julia. Maybe now that I'm older I can look at it differently. She was very adorable back then. I have no idea what she looks like now, probably somewhat the same. There are still days I think of her, and how terribly I treated her. I'm happy things seem to have worked out...I guess anyway, and that how I was didn't mess her up.

Pictures of me from Newton. WOW. I'm huge. I mean, really really huge. I guess when I think of 80lbs, I think of it on a bar, and it doesn't seem like much. Put it on a person, and it's a completely different story. 80 fucking pounds. HOW? Never again. That's all I know. I'm going to hang these pictures up. One on the fridge, one in my car, one in my room.

chadtothelimit @ 2009-05-13T09:05:00

2009-05-13T13:13:17Z

They don't warn you that you'll have to make sacrifices. But I guess that means different things to different people - like giving up something you really want now, for something you've wanted your whole life, or spending less time on yourself so you can spend more time with someone you love. At some point you might even have to give up your own sense of safety and well being. But after a while it doesn't feel like you're giving up anything at all.

chadtothelimit @ 2009-05-11T21:13:00

2009-05-12T01:13:52Z

how wonderful! a couch! real furniture? so exciting

chadtothelimit @ 2009-05-10T21:53:00

2009-05-11T01:54:06Z

i find it funny that you were probably drunk. very very funny.

all is well :)

chadtothelimit @ 2009-05-09T13:29:00

2009-05-09T17:30:49Z

"Someone once said the bad guys always win. Sometimes the bad guy is the jerk boyfriend. Sometimes the bad guy is the man you've been battling with for as long as you can remember. And sometimes the bad guy is a disease that you didn't stand a chance against. I guess all you can do is come back to work the next morning and hope that being a good guy pays off."

I love Scrubs.

the list

2009-05-09T16:47:27Z

i've always known the power of writing to be very soothing, and in many cases theraputic. however, i never felt that by simply writing down the very obvious, it helps too allow things to become very clear.

a simple list - nothing mind bending or even really interesting on it, but one that i intend to follow. and when i feel myself slipping from it, i go back to it and suddenly don't mind as much anymore.

it's just another step to being me. finding me by myself, and being happy when i get there.

chadtothelimit @ 2009-05-02T10:59:00

2009-05-02T15:00:32Z

Wow. I finally get it. Going out = meeting people. It only took my whole life but I'm actually starting to see things in a very different way. It's actually pretty fun. Lets see where these roads take me.

chadtothelimit @ 2009-04-15T21:57:00

2009-04-16T01:58:05Z

Pretty surprised right now. Rachel started talking to me again? Well, facebook is good for something I suppose.

chadtothelimit @ 2009-04-12T15:38:00

2009-04-12T19:57:57Z

It was Sunday night. To anyone that doesn't care about sports, it was just Sunday. To most in New England, it was super bowl Sunday. There were those other plans I had to go to a friend's house and watch the game, but when my phone rang and I saw your name, I just didn't care to go.

You had just gotten out of work, probably nervous to come...mostly because of how your hair looked, or that you smelled like tennis balls. I was nervous to have you over. First time we'd be alone in that kind of situation. To you it was innocent. To me it was everything.

You had on jeans and a t-shirt. Normal attire for your job. Somehow you look fantastic no matter what you wear. Especially if it's nothing at all. I had shorts and a t-shirt. I drank too much to kill the nerves and you joined me.

I convinced you that we had to kiss. Somehow the world would stop if we never knew how it felt. You agreed, pretending to be hesitant, but needing it as much as I did.

I grabbed you. Held you..and apparently I was right - the world did stop. Everything ended, the universe came to an halt and you and I were all that was left. The kiss lasted forever - long past our last breath. When we finally did stop and became two people again, all I could muster was a "wow", as I tried to catch my breath. This again happened several more times until you left. A smile on your face and in your heart. More questions raised, more fears brought to the surface, but for the moment, while we were together, nothing else mattered. Nothing else could matter. We both finally felt our first real kiss and no words could ever do it any kind of justice.

Some memories are too hard to let go of.

Some we just refuse to.

That's why I couldn't talk to you today downstairs when we were alone. This memory, and countless others, are what I think of every time I see you.

Unlike you, nothing will ever take these away. Nothing will ever ruin them. These are mine and will always mean everything to me. Even when you're long gone, these will be mine.

chadtothelimit @ 2009-03-21T11:58:00

2009-03-21T15:58:38Z

You're focusing on the problem. If you focus on the problem, you can't see the solution. Never focus on the problem!

See what no one else sees. See what everyone chooses not to see... out of fear, conformity or laziness. See the whole world anew each day!

thanks katie

2009-02-27T19:36:48Z

i love facebook.

i know posting song lyrics could be considered the act of a lonely middle school fat kid wearing sweatpants, while sweating in the snow, but this kind of internet wasn't around when i was in middle school, so it's okay.

it's amazing how someone you haven't spoken to in years can show you something that makes you feel a little better.

"Opportunity"

And so it goes another lonely day
Your savin time but your miles away
Your fly was drownin in some bitter tea
For seeing lost opportunity

Find your mirror go and look inside
And see the talent you always hide
Don't go kidd yourself well not today
Satisfaction's not to far away

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Soon you'll see

Your coffee's warm but your milk is sour
Life is short but your here to flower
Dream yourself along another day
Never miss opportunity

Don't be scared of what you cannot see
Your only fear is possibility
Never wonder what the hell went wrong
Your second chance may never come along

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Soon you'll see

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Soon you'll see [x5]

That second verse that I highlighted...I tried for so long to get her to see that. Some people you just can't do anything to and they'll never change their ways. It really sucks because you'll miss out on a lot living that way.

chadtothelimit @ 2009-02-27T08:58:00

2009-02-27T13:58:38Z

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May gods love be with you
Always
May gods love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You cant keep awake

May gods love be with you
Always
May gods love be with you

cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
You

I dont know anymore
What its for
Im not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe youre not even sure what its for
Any more than me

May gods love be with you
Always
May gods love be with you

scrubs is a good show

2009-02-27T13:54:48Z

Kind of like the comedy of Grey's Anatomy...which i never watch.

This one isn't from my pov, that's for sure...

Think I’m goin home
I think I’m gettin lost for a while
Tired of getting stoned
And thinkin ‘bout you in the night

So I’ll file away all my dreams
Though I still believe in everything

I wished your love away
I wished your love away

Honestly over you
Honestly over you
One lie short of true
Honestly over you

Lookin for some hope
Polished off the whiskey tonight
You turned a man to stone
For lookin at you straight in the eyes

So I’ll drive away with all my things
Though I’ve a faint belief in everything

I wished your love away
I wished your love away

Honestly over you
Honestly over you
And I’ll tell the world
Honestly over you

I wished your love away…

chadtothelimit @ 2009-02-27T08:46:00

2009-02-27T13:50:23Z

I know how she's going to take this - I didn't mean anything I've said. How could I, and then tell her what I did? When the reality is that I said what I did because of her. Loving someone you're not with, someone you can't be with is a death sentence. You're trapped with no hope of breaking free unless she changes things. She didn't. She didn't want to, and the more things when on, I finally realized that I had given everything I had, and lots that I didn't, for the past year and a half. The little she opened up, she would quickly take back, always leaving me with less than I came with.

I did mean everything I said. I have no doubt about that in my mind. Right now I just need to protect myself since she's doing everything the wrong way. Not figuring things out, cutting me out and pretending like feelings aren't there. I've been on the short end of this the whole time and I'm not going to let her make me feel bad about finally stepping up and reclaiming my thoughts and feelings.

It's not saying everything I said before wasn't true, it's saying that because of what's happened lately, you don't deserve it. Sadly, you'll agree with it and go on with your life never wondering what could be, while I'll still constantly have that thought on my mind.

Is it possible to love someone, but fall out of love with them to save yourself?

chadtothelimit @ 2009-02-13T09:04:00

2009-02-13T14:09:12Z

Know what's really funny? On Monday I made a comment about the number of people that were going to have broken hearts on Friday the 13th before Valentine's day. I guess I didn't think I would be one of those people. Not that I thought anything was going to change...but I guess the complete broken heart is a change over the partial one. I just want to go away right now. At least I have stuff to do today - dentist, interview, and maybe I'll go somewhere and read.

chadtothelimit @ 2009-02-12T21:27:00

2009-02-13T02:29:10Z

We were born before the wind
Also younger than the sun
Ere the bonnie boat was won as we sailed into the mystic
Hark, now hear the sailors cry
Smell the sea and feel the sky
Let your soul and spirit fly into the mystic

And when that fog horn blows I will be coming home
And when that fog horn blows I want to hear it
I dont have to fear it
I want to rock your gypsy soul
Just like way back in the days of old
Then magnificently we will float into the mystic
And when that fog horn blows you know I will be coming home
And when that fog horn whistle blows I got to hear it
I dont have to fear it
I want to rock your gypsy soul
Just like way back in the days of old
And together we will float into the mystic
Come on girl...

chadtothelimit @ 2008-11-20T21:20:00

2008-11-21T02:28:02Z

This is hard. One of the harder things I've had to do. It would be easier if I didn't see her 5 days a week, but at the same time I still love seeing her.

I wish I knew how my mind worked. There are times when I'm so angry at her, so mad that I want to yell and get all my frustrations out. How could she do this to me? Then there are times when I want to hug her and tell her how sorry I am for everything..but what did I do wrong? I followed my heart for too long with her. I need to keep following my head.

I started writing to her yesterday. It helps. It's an email she'll never see, but when I get the urge to start talking to her about things I just write it down instead. I never thought that kind of thing worked, but it does. This way it avoids the same arguments, same dead end conversations. It allows me to avoid getting mad for her not seeing what I do. Actually what she sees too. But it's the messed up, no-logic, false realitly world her mind is in that gets me mad.

Still, I miss her all the time. It's just really hard. I really want her to come to my competition. I want to get her a christmas gift. I want to just touch her again. None of this will happen though. It can't. If I even just talk to her then I fall again, and I'm tired of that fall. The climb up feels so wonderful, but you can only crash so many times before you refuse to climb again. I did all I could. Said all I could...but sometimes I feel like there's still more.

I feel like I lost so much. Chris would say that she's just a girl, there are billions and she's no special than the others. That I'm a fool for wasting my time and giving so much to someone that just took and hardly ever gave back. Still, giving made me happy, so guess how I feel now that I took it away...

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm in a cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost
Every river that you try to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing stops
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

That's my new favorite song of the week.

Time to write some more, then eat, and wish my phone would ring so I could debate if i should answer it or not, and then regret no matter what my choice is.

chadtothelimit @ 2008-11-02T16:38:00

2008-11-02T21:42:55Z

Last events day:
(this is from memory, so I may be off)
Weigh in at 245.5 = 1lb loss. Disappointing, as I've only lost 6lbs in 2 weeks, but I plan to make up for it this week with more cardio.

Log Press - 190 x 2, 195 x 1, 200 x 1, 210 x 1/2 (all new PRs)
Car - 500 x 5 (tied PR, felt weak)
Object - 500 x 25 ft (tied PR, felt weak again)
Sandbag - 200 x 100 ft (new PR)
Kegs - 160 x 2, 200 x 1, 240 x 1

Actually a very good day considering I started out slow, but finished strong.

Other update stuff...not really. Same shit. It's just hard to get certain things off of your mind. You want to fight and give up at the same time.

I got a compliment today from Luis, one of our older gay clients. He and his husband Charles are good clients, and I always love seeing them. Luis said today that I look so good, that I've dropped weight and look very handsome, then that I was glowing. It's nice to hear these kinds of things as for most of the time I don't hear anything unless I ask, which defeats the whole purpose.

Anyway, lots more work to do, and only 5 weeks to do it in.

chadtothelimit @ 2008-10-25T15:33:00

2008-10-25T19:45:23Z

Last week - weigh in Saturday morning - 260lbs
This week - weigh in Saturay morning - 255.5lbs

4.5lbs in 1 week is pretty fucking awesome.

Today was an overall good day:

Log Press - 180 x 2
190 x 1

Car Deadlift - 580 x 1

Object Carry - 500lbs x 50 feet

Sandbags - 200lbs x 75 feet

Kegs - 160 x 1
200 x 1
240 x 1

Everything today was a PR. This being only the 4th day that I've done events training. I rule. At this rate I should be ready by December.

Here's something that's interesting...after making me feel bad, and fighting me on my decision to basically vanish from her life, I decided to stick around and still be "friends". Interestingly enough, when we had our last talk and decided that, it was the last time she has contacted me, about a week ago. So I guess her idea of being friends means occasionally talk at work, and that's it. She once told me that she's bad with expressing herself, so her actions speak louder than words. Well, her actions are telling me plenty right now. In looking back, her actions have always spoke volumes - never asking me to hang out, usually waiting for me to call her, never starting anything with me (even when she was "single"), never telling me she loved me unless I said it first, and even then it was only 3 times. Wow. What a fucking idiot I am. Her actions are saying enough to me now. She feels he's all she needs in her life to be happy. Well I can't wait for reality to set it. Someday she'll actually figure out I was the best thing she ever let go of. That there's a reason she cheated on him 3 times in a year with me. Maybe the only way she can feel close to him is if I'm out of the picture. If that's the case then she's not really with him. Maybe in body, but emotionally and mentally...NOPE. Sorry. Someday she'll figure all this out, and it will probably too late. They'll be living together or some shit like that, and she'll just decide that there's nothing to do about it then, so she'll continue living a lie. Must be nice to have that ability.

So, in an amazing coincidence, this past week has brought back some people from my past. And I know what you're thinking, that since she decided to go back to him that I went out hunting..except that you'd be wrong in thinking that. Two of these three girls randomly started talking to me out of the blue. Katie and I are going out tonight. I haven't seen her in about 5 years, so it should be interesting. Yes, we do have a rocky past but I'd like to think that 5 years apart should have made things OK. I feel no ill-will towards her, and I believe she feels the same towards me. I think we're both secretly looking forward to seeing each other, as there is a good past too, it just got fucked up in the end. Then there's Allie - another girl from my past who gave me some messed up memories. This is completely harmless as she has a boyfriend (who from the pictures I saw looks like me when I was 300+) and claims to be happy. It should be interesting getting her perspective on things as she shares a common past with me. And then Lauren. I know, but I miss how we used to be friends. It should be pretty harmless. We started talking a bit ago, just one or two sentences here, and it eventually turned into her asking me if I wanted to hang out. So wait..actually all three of them asked me. Not sure how that happened.

As far as I know, all three are harmless. But it's pretty interesting to me that they all happened around the same time that she decided she doesn't need me anymore. Oh well. Just adds fuel to my fire and confirms everything I've been thinking lately.

So if my actions speak louder than words, what are they saying? That I'm tired of being a stupid ass, waiting for another stupid ass to figure her life out when all she's doing is going back to what once made sense. It's only a matter of time.

chadtothelimit @ 2008-10-18T13:25:00

2008-10-18T17:40:05Z

I'll start this out positive, and end it with how I'm feeling.

The Positive:
Training for Paxton is going well. I hit a bunch of PR's at Chris' today

Log Press - 160 x 4
180 x 1

Car Deadlift - 500 x 5

Impliment Carry - 400 x 75ft

Sandbag - 160 x 50 ft (last week couldn't even get it up really)

Kegs - 160 x 4
200 x 1

All of those are PRs. I've only been training for 3 weeks and I'm seeing massive improvements. Things are going to get harder, but I'm going to do it.

How I'm feeling:
I've realized that I'm a lot of talk. I tell you to leave me alone, dont' talk to me, don't look at me...and then I miss you all the time and wish you'd call me. Problem is I want to hear you say you miss me, and you don't.

I've been trying to analyze what I'm doing - am I pushing you away so that I won't get hurt anymore? Am I pushing you away so that the cycle will stop and you'll be able to have what you had before me? Am I pushing you away because it hurts too much for you to be there, but not be there? I don't know. All I know is that I say mean things,and then feel bad. What can I do? You'd rather make the same mistake over and over again, and lie, and be fake, and run from something new because you're afraid. Do I hate you for what you've done to me? Yes. Do I love you still? Yeah, but I can't say those words. They don't mean anything to you anymore. Where once you couldn't get enough of me saying it because it "just sounded different" coming from me, now I say it and it bounces off of you.

It's hard to get out of my routine of talking to her every night. Now I'm incredibly depressed by this that I'm either sleeping as much as possible, or not at all. Needless to say it's fucking up my energy. I'm in a bad mood all the time and all I want her to do is walk up to me and hug me, and that can't happen.

What angers me the most is the lie. Twice her decision was to take time off from both of us, and I was all for that. First time she hated him and didn't want him in her life. Second time she couldn't be with someone she cheated on. Both times as soon as he showed up again she went running back. She seems to think that it's a sign that he keeps taking her back when it's not. It's just a person with nothing else in their life so they are holding onto a form of comfort (sound familiar Diana? that's exactly what I did to you...). Because of this I doubt everything from the past.

She claims she told him, but that too I doubt. Maybe that she cheated on him (now 3 times with me) , but in the words to him I'm sure she neglected to tell him about the times she told me she loved me, how she fell in love with me, the touches, the looks, the phone calls, the other life she had with me that she so easily threw away because he's been there longer and she's afraid to be without him. That's why I'm doing this. She's afraid to be without him, then I can't be there. She's not afraid to be without me. I only gave her everything for over a year, and I'm easily forgotten. Now she doesn't have me to give her what he didn't. She doesn't have the constant "I love you"s, or the looks, touches, hugs, phone calls...hope every day. That's gone for comfort and routine. Sadly she forgot about the comfort and routine she's so easily given up with me gone.

Now the question I'm struggling with - did she really love me? If so, how do you get rid of it so quickly? Did she really consider me as more? If so, how do you have those two lives? I can't believe she loved me. In my mind I was a series of mistakes. Situations where she got caught up in the moment. That makes sense. How many times did she hug me? Kiss me? How many times did she ask me to see her? How many times did she tell me she loved me, or missed me without me doing it first? The answer to all of those would be 0. Never had a chance. She never allowed herself to see what I could be because of fear. So now I'm left with this incredibly huge painful empty feeling while she spends all her concentration on trying to fix things (again) with him, and proving to him that I was a mistake from the past that she'll never make again. My love was a mistake.

Sadly, this distance I've put up is actually quite beneficial to her. It allows her to not miss me, not see me or talk to me so she can fix things with him without our cycle coming back again.

What sucks the most...what will always hurt the most, is that I was so sure. For the first time in my life I knew what this was. I knew what I felt. I wasn't afraid of it. That's not an exageration. I have always questioned and second guessed any decision of mine. Not this one. I knew I was right. My mind, heart, body..everything was telling me that I was right.

In the end, being right hurts too much. I rather would have been wrong.

Still, I miss her. I'm a stupid fool who misses her. I have an empty feeling inside of me. A feeling that rivals anything I've ever felt before. She gave me the biggest high of my life, and now I'm feeling a huge low.

I wish I could tell her I love her. But it doesn't matter at this point. It's goign to take me a long time to move on from this.

I just wish I could hold her again.

Time for more sleep.

chadtothelimit @ 2008-10-13T21:29:00

2008-10-14T01:50:14Z

The only thing keeping me sane right now is training again. Things that seemed like a great idea at the time, something that was a wonderful experience (for me anyway) turned out to be awful, and ruined everything. So, right now I'm feeling pretty alone, having lost two people, one I willingly gave up, and the other leaving me...or taking time away from me.

It's hard to get used to a change, or many changes. I think that I'm doing okay considering. Not that I'm used to the changes, or want them, but I'm coping. It's allowed me to realize that a lot of what I was "positive" about before was mostly what I wanted to see, and probably not what was really there. I don't know what to think these days, other than a big part of what made me happy is now gone. It's hard to accept, hard to deal with, and I know there are plenty out there, but this was the first one like this.

Those left that actually read this know that I've dated a lot. Some of you would call those girls "super models" because of their looks, but there wasn't much else. This girl was easily the first I loved, the first I dared to truly love and allow to love..and love me.

I'm sure this is all for the good in the long run, and when all is said and done I'll have grown from this, as will everyone else. I just feel that I'm going to lose again. If that's the case then so be it, but it will still hurt.

I don't know what I'm saying. I just miss you. You know that. I miss your voice at night. I miss your touch. I miss your smile. I miss your hope.

I miss us.

I still love us.

I talked to my cousin the other day about things. She made me realize that it can happen, but at this point it doesn't stand a chance. Sure, my side is the same, but her's is dead. She told me about the boyfriend she had in college for 4 years, how he was "the one". Then she didn't know if he was the one, but there was the comfort that was always there, and she didn't want to lose that, or start over again because of a slight doubt in her mind. Then she met Jon and felt things she never felt before. Everything seemed right with him. She had the same fears still, but when she was with him everything made sense. She was strong enough to see what that meant, and almost 10 years later is still married to him, with kids.

I guess some people are strong enough to find out what their heart is telling them, and some people are too afraid to see what else is out there.

I'm going to keep that conversation though. It did make me feel better, and who knows who I'll meet in the future.

I need to really concentrate on me. Find my happiness. Find my smile. For the past year I've been so busy trying to help someone else find their smile, that I didn't realize there was no one there helping me find mine. Now I'm stuck doing it on my own.

Ok. Done rambling. Bed now.

chadtothelimit @ 2008-09-01T18:13:00

2008-09-01T22:15:19Z

majik still loves me. he laughs with me, not at me!

Things to do once I move...

2008-08-01T00:01:49Z

-Get a bedroom set. No more Umass/Furniture exchange/leftovers from home furniture
-Get a living room set (see above)
-Learn guitar...for real this time. Even if it's just one song. Start somewhere. Make it happen.
-Get over things. Learn to love again. Her loss, not yours. Continue doing what you're doing in seeing others.
-Gain confidence in your smile.
-Save money.
-Get rid of old man car. Get truck?
-Realize her touch isn't the only one in the world to make you feel this way. Go out and find it. She doesn't need you, why do you need her? Your love has been replaced.
-TALK TO A GIRL YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW

Obviously this is in no order, and I've already started some of these. I'd really like to have checked off all of them within the year.

chadtothelimit @ 2008-07-28T21:06:00

2008-07-29T01:19:51Z

For the first time in my life someone told me that they loved me, and I believed it. It was the most wonderful thing I have ever heard. So overwhelming...it flowed over my whole body, and I lost all control and cried for quite some time. Sadly it was bittersweet, as I felt it would be. In finally hearing what I've always wanted, I have to give up everything I've fought for these past 8 months. She's right. It's not fair to anyone involved, and no matter how much I want to think otherwise, I can't win this. I still want to fight, but I can't. I feel like I did all those years ago when I opened someone up, showed them a life they never knew, and then had to leave.

Maybe that's my part in life. Never for myself, only for others. Shouldn't that mean I have a lot of good karma built up?

I know I'm a good person. I know I'm great for her, but nothing I can do will ever change things. Her being happy is important, and me being around isn't allowing her to relax. I'd rather be miserable every day and just put on a front at work than her see me upset. I guess that's how things should be. She deserves it. She's been through too much to not be happy, and I guess in her mind I'm not the answer. So be it. I don't feel bad...meaning I'm not blaming anything on myself. I did everything I could have possibly done, and have no regrets. Well, that's a lie. Just one regret. I should have kissed her in the rain. It felt perfect, it felt right, fuck the situation. I should have. I didn't though.

I hate seeing her cry. I hate her being upset. I realize that by feeling this way it means I lost a long time ago. As soon as I put her before me it means I wasn't going to get what I wanted. Maybe I still have a lot to learn in all this.

It's going to take me a long time to heal from this one. I can't just go and sleep with some girl. Forcing myself to talk to girls, or go on dates is hard because I just want it to be her, and because of that, I'll never have her. Makes no sense, and that's the problem. I'm still trying to use logic.

I guess I wish her luck. If she can't be happy with me she should be happy with someone. I'll find someone else some day. Until then, this is just between you and me...smashed hat.

Fuck that. I wrote that last night, and now I've changed my mind. I don't know what I feel right now, other than broken in two. Nothing more to say.

well my money's no good when i'm up to no good
no good ever comes from it, honest
i got a really good heart, i just can't catch a break
if i could i'd treat you like you wanted me to, i promise

but i'm fractured from the fall
and i want to go home
i'm fractured from the fall
and i want to go home

it takes two when it used to take one...

I only hope I'm strong enough to do this. Right now, I know I'm not.

blah again

2008-07-18T00:25:11Z

Heard this song today. I'm going to be an emo bitch for a moment. Just wish I knew who this applied to...

Your sorry eyes cut through the bone
Make it hard to leave you alone
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new
[chorus]:
Baby you're a lost, baby you're a lost
Baby you're a lost cause

There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming, they see you go
They know your secrets, and you know theirs
This town is crazy, nobody cares

[chorus]
I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause
There's a place you are going
You ain't never been before
No one laughing at your back now
No one's standing at your door
That's what you thought love was for

[chorus]
I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause