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May 30th, 2009

05:24 pm
I finally finished all the cleaning/throwing things out/reorganizing for tomorrow. In the process I came across some old pictures. It's interesting to see so many changes in my life over the past 9 years.

One was a picture of Julia. Maybe now that I'm older I can look at it differently. She was very adorable back then. I have no idea what she looks like now, probably somewhat the same. There are still days I think of her, and how terribly I treated her. I'm happy things seem to have worked out...I guess anyway, and that how I was didn't mess her up.

Pictures of me from Newton. WOW. I'm huge. I mean, really really huge. I guess when I think of 80lbs, I think of it on a bar, and it doesn't seem like much. Put it on a person, and it's a completely different story. 80 fucking pounds. HOW? Never again. That's all I know. I'm going to hang these pictures up. One on the fridge, one in my car, one in my room.

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May 13th, 2009

09:05 am
They don't warn you that you'll have to make sacrifices. But I guess that means different things to different people - like giving up something you really want now, for something you've wanted your whole life, or spending less time on yourself so you can spend more time with someone you love. At some point you might even have to give up your own sense of safety and well being. But after a while it doesn't feel like you're giving up anything at all.

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May 11th, 2009

09:13 pm
how wonderful! a couch! real furniture? so exciting

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May 10th, 2009

09:53 pm
i find it funny that you were probably drunk. very very funny.

all is well :)

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May 9th, 2009

01:29 pm
"Someone once said the bad guys always win. Sometimes the bad guy is the jerk boyfriend. Sometimes the bad guy is the man you've been battling with for as long as you can remember. And sometimes the bad guy is a disease that you didn't stand a chance against. I guess all you can do is come back to work the next morning and hope that being a good guy pays off."

I love Scrubs.

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12:42 pm - the list
i've always known the power of writing to be very soothing, and in many cases theraputic. however, i never felt that by simply writing down the very obvious, it helps too allow things to become very clear.

a simple list - nothing mind bending or even really interesting on it, but one that i intend to follow. and when i feel myself slipping from it, i go back to it and suddenly don't mind as much anymore.

it's just another step to being me. finding me by myself, and being happy when i get there.

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May 2nd, 2009

10:59 am
Wow. I finally get it. Going out = meeting people. It only took my whole life but I'm actually starting to see things in a very different way. It's actually pretty fun. Lets see where these roads take me.

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April 15th, 2009

09:57 pm
Pretty surprised right now. Rachel started talking to me again? Well, facebook is good for something I suppose.

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April 12th, 2009

03:38 pm
It was Sunday night. To anyone that doesn't care about sports, it was just Sunday. To most in New England, it was super bowl Sunday. There were those other plans I had to go to a friend's house and watch the game, but when my phone rang and I saw your name, I just didn't care to go.

You had just gotten out of work, probably nervous to come...mostly because of how your hair looked, or that you smelled like tennis balls. I was nervous to have you over. First time we'd be alone in that kind of situation. To you it was innocent. To me it was everything.

You had on jeans and a t-shirt. Normal attire for your job. Somehow you look fantastic no matter what you wear. Especially if it's nothing at all. I had shorts and a t-shirt. I drank too much to kill the nerves and you joined me.

I convinced you that we had to kiss. Somehow the world would stop if we never knew how it felt. You agreed, pretending to be hesitant, but needing it as much as I did.

I grabbed you. Held you..and apparently I was right - the world did stop. Everything ended, the universe came to an halt and you and I were all that was left. The kiss lasted forever - long past our last breath. When we finally did stop and became two people again, all I could muster was a "wow", as I tried to catch my breath. This again happened several more times until you left. A smile on your face and in your heart. More questions raised, more fears brought to the surface, but for the moment, while we were together, nothing else mattered. Nothing else could matter. We both finally felt our first real kiss and no words could ever do it any kind of justice.

Some memories are too hard to let go of.

Some we just refuse to.

That's why I couldn't talk to you today downstairs when we were alone. This memory, and countless others, are what I think of every time I see you.

Unlike you, nothing will ever take these away. Nothing will ever ruin them. These are mine and will always mean everything to me. Even when you're long gone, these will be mine.

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March 21st, 2009

11:58 am
You're focusing on the problem. If you focus on the problem, you can't see the solution. Never focus on the problem!

See what no one else sees. See what everyone chooses not to see... out of fear, conformity or laziness. See the whole world anew each day!

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February 27th, 2009

02:29 pm - thanks katie
i love facebook.

i know posting song lyrics could be considered the act of a lonely middle school fat kid wearing sweatpants, while sweating in the snow, but this kind of internet wasn't around when i was in middle school, so it's okay.

it's amazing how someone you haven't spoken to in years can show you something that makes you feel a little better.


And so it goes another lonely day
Your savin time but your miles away
Your fly was drownin in some bitter tea
For seeing lost opportunity

Find your mirror go and look inside
And see the talent you always hide
Don't go kidd yourself well not today
Satisfaction's not to far away

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Soon you'll see

Your coffee's warm but your milk is sour
Life is short but your here to flower
Dream yourself along another day
Never miss opportunity

Don't be scared of what you cannot see
Your only fear is possibility
Never wonder what the hell went wrong
Your second chance may never come along

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Soon you'll see

Hold on now your exits here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see

Soon you'll see [x5]

That second verse that I highlighted...I tried for so long to get her to see that. Some people you just can't do anything to and they'll never change their ways. It really sucks because you'll miss out on a lot living that way.

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08:58 am
I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May gods love be with you
May gods love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You cant keep awake

May gods love be with you
May gods love be with you

cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find

I dont know anymore
What its for
Im not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe youre not even sure what its for
Any more than me

May gods love be with you
May gods love be with you

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08:53 am - scrubs is a good show
Kind of like the comedy of Grey's Anatomy...which i never watch.

This one isn't from my pov, that's for sure...

Think I’m goin home
I think I’m gettin lost for a while
Tired of getting stoned
And thinkin ‘bout you in the night

So I’ll file away all my dreams
Though I still believe in everything

I wished your love away
I wished your love away

Honestly over you
Honestly over you
One lie short of true
Honestly over you

Lookin for some hope
Polished off the whiskey tonight
You turned a man to stone
For lookin at you straight in the eyes

So I’ll drive away with all my things
Though I’ve a faint belief in everything

I wished your love away
I wished your love away

Honestly over you
Honestly over you
And I’ll tell the world
Honestly over you

I wished your love away…

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08:46 am
I know how she's going to take this - I didn't mean anything I've said. How could I, and then tell her what I did? When the reality is that I said what I did because of her. Loving someone you're not with, someone you can't be with is a death sentence. You're trapped with no hope of breaking free unless she changes things. She didn't. She didn't want to, and the more things when on, I finally realized that I had given everything I had, and lots that I didn't, for the past year and a half. The little she opened up, she would quickly take back, always leaving me with less than I came with.

I did mean everything I said. I have no doubt about that in my mind. Right now I just need to protect myself since she's doing everything the wrong way. Not figuring things out, cutting me out and pretending like feelings aren't there. I've been on the short end of this the whole time and I'm not going to let her make me feel bad about finally stepping up and reclaiming my thoughts and feelings.

It's not saying everything I said before wasn't true, it's saying that because of what's happened lately, you don't deserve it. Sadly, you'll agree with it and go on with your life never wondering what could be, while I'll still constantly have that thought on my mind.

Is it possible to love someone, but fall out of love with them to save yourself?

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February 13th, 2009

09:04 am
Know what's really funny? On Monday I made a comment about the number of people that were going to have broken hearts on Friday the 13th before Valentine's day. I guess I didn't think I would be one of those people. Not that I thought anything was going to change...but I guess the complete broken heart is a change over the partial one. I just want to go away right now. At least I have stuff to do today - dentist, interview, and maybe I'll go somewhere and read.
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Tupelo Honey - Van Morrison

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February 12th, 2009

09:27 pm
We were born before the wind
Also younger than the sun
Ere the bonnie boat was won as we sailed into the mystic
Hark, now hear the sailors cry
Smell the sea and feel the sky
Let your soul and spirit fly into the mystic

And when that fog horn blows I will be coming home
And when that fog horn blows I want to hear it
I dont have to fear it
I want to rock your gypsy soul
Just like way back in the days of old
Then magnificently we will float into the mystic
And when that fog horn blows you know I will be coming home
And when that fog horn whistle blows I got to hear it
I dont have to fear it
I want to rock your gypsy soul
Just like way back in the days of old
And together we will float into the mystic
Come on girl...

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November 20th, 2008

09:20 pm
This is hard. One of the harder things I've had to do. It would be easier if I didn't see her 5 days a week, but at the same time I still love seeing her.

I wish I knew how my mind worked. There are times when I'm so angry at her, so mad that I want to yell and get all my frustrations out. How could she do this to me? Then there are times when I want to hug her and tell her how sorry I am for everything..but what did I do wrong? I followed my heart for too long with her. I need to keep following my head.

I started writing to her yesterday. It helps. It's an email she'll never see, but when I get the urge to start talking to her about things I just write it down instead. I never thought that kind of thing worked, but it does. This way it avoids the same arguments, same dead end conversations. It allows me to avoid getting mad for her not seeing what I do. Actually what she sees too. But it's the messed up, no-logic, false realitly world her mind is in that gets me mad.

Still, I miss her all the time. It's just really hard. I really want her to come to my competition. I want to get her a christmas gift. I want to just touch her again. None of this will happen though. It can't. If I even just talk to her then I fall again, and I'm tired of that fall. The climb up feels so wonderful, but you can only crash so many times before you refuse to climb again. I did all I could. Said all I could...but sometimes I feel like there's still more.

I feel like I lost so much. Chris would say that she's just a girl, there are billions and she's no special than the others. That I'm a fool for wasting my time and giving so much to someone that just took and hardly ever gave back. Still, giving made me happy, so guess how I feel now that I took it away...

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm in a cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost
Every river that you try to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing stops
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

That's my new favorite song of the week.

Time to write some more, then eat, and wish my phone would ring so I could debate if i should answer it or not, and then regret no matter what my choice is.

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November 2nd, 2008

04:38 pm
Last events day:
(this is from memory, so I may be off)
Weigh in at 245.5 = 1lb loss. Disappointing, as I've only lost 6lbs in 2 weeks, but I plan to make up for it this week with more cardio.

Log Press - 190 x 2, 195 x 1, 200 x 1, 210 x 1/2 (all new PRs)
Car - 500 x 5 (tied PR, felt weak)
Object - 500 x 25 ft (tied PR, felt weak again)
Sandbag - 200 x 100 ft (new PR)
Kegs - 160 x 2, 200 x 1, 240 x 1

Actually a very good day considering I started out slow, but finished strong.

Other update stuff...not really. Same shit. It's just hard to get certain things off of your mind. You want to fight and give up at the same time.

I got a compliment today from Luis, one of our older gay clients. He and his husband Charles are good clients, and I always love seeing them. Luis said today that I look so good, that I've dropped weight and look very handsome, then that I was glowing. It's nice to hear these kinds of things as for most of the time I don't hear anything unless I ask, which defeats the whole purpose.

Anyway, lots more work to do, and only 5 weeks to do it in.

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October 25th, 2008

03:33 pm
Last week - weigh in Saturday morning - 260lbs
This week - weigh in Saturay morning - 255.5lbs

4.5lbs in 1 week is pretty fucking awesome.

Today was an overall good day:

Log Press - 180 x 2
190 x 1

Car Deadlift - 580 x 1

Object Carry - 500lbs x 50 feet

Sandbags - 200lbs x 75 feet

Kegs - 160 x 1
200 x 1
240 x 1

Everything today was a PR. This being only the 4th day that I've done events training. I rule. At this rate I should be ready by December.

Here's something that's interesting...after making me feel bad, and fighting me on my decision to basically vanish from her life, I decided to stick around and still be "friends". Interestingly enough, when we had our last talk and decided that, it was the last time she has contacted me, about a week ago. So I guess her idea of being friends means occasionally talk at work, and that's it. She once told me that she's bad with expressing herself, so her actions speak louder than words. Well, her actions are telling me plenty right now. In looking back, her actions have always spoke volumes - never asking me to hang out, usually waiting for me to call her, never starting anything with me (even when she was "single"), never telling me she loved me unless I said it first, and even then it was only 3 times. Wow. What a fucking idiot I am. Her actions are saying enough to me now. She feels he's all she needs in her life to be happy. Well I can't wait for reality to set it. Someday she'll actually figure out I was the best thing she ever let go of. That there's a reason she cheated on him 3 times in a year with me. Maybe the only way she can feel close to him is if I'm out of the picture. If that's the case then she's not really with him. Maybe in body, but emotionally and mentally...NOPE. Sorry. Someday she'll figure all this out, and it will probably too late. They'll be living together or some shit like that, and she'll just decide that there's nothing to do about it then, so she'll continue living a lie. Must be nice to have that ability.

So, in an amazing coincidence, this past week has brought back some people from my past. And I know what you're thinking, that since she decided to go back to him that I went out hunting..except that you'd be wrong in thinking that. Two of these three girls randomly started talking to me out of the blue. Katie and I are going out tonight. I haven't seen her in about 5 years, so it should be interesting. Yes, we do have a rocky past but I'd like to think that 5 years apart should have made things OK. I feel no ill-will towards her, and I believe she feels the same towards me. I think we're both secretly looking forward to seeing each other, as there is a good past too, it just got fucked up in the end. Then there's Allie - another girl from my past who gave me some messed up memories. This is completely harmless as she has a boyfriend (who from the pictures I saw looks like me when I was 300+) and claims to be happy. It should be interesting getting her perspective on things as she shares a common past with me. And then Lauren. I know, but I miss how we used to be friends. It should be pretty harmless. We started talking a bit ago, just one or two sentences here, and it eventually turned into her asking me if I wanted to hang out. So wait..actually all three of them asked me. Not sure how that happened.

As far as I know, all three are harmless. But it's pretty interesting to me that they all happened around the same time that she decided she doesn't need me anymore. Oh well. Just adds fuel to my fire and confirms everything I've been thinking lately.

So if my actions speak louder than words, what are they saying? That I'm tired of being a stupid ass, waiting for another stupid ass to figure her life out when all she's doing is going back to what once made sense. It's only a matter of time.

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October 18th, 2008

01:25 pm
I'll start this out positive, and end it with how I'm feeling.

The Positive:
Training for Paxton is going well. I hit a bunch of PR's at Chris' today

Log Press - 160 x 4
180 x 1

Car Deadlift - 500 x 5

Impliment Carry - 400 x 75ft

Sandbag - 160 x 50 ft (last week couldn't even get it up really)

Kegs - 160 x 4
200 x 1

All of those are PRs. I've only been training for 3 weeks and I'm seeing massive improvements. Things are going to get harder, but I'm going to do it.

How I'm feeling:
I've realized that I'm a lot of talk. I tell you to leave me alone, dont' talk to me, don't look at me...and then I miss you all the time and wish you'd call me. Problem is I want to hear you say you miss me, and you don't.

I've been trying to analyze what I'm doing - am I pushing you away so that I won't get hurt anymore? Am I pushing you away so that the cycle will stop and you'll be able to have what you had before me? Am I pushing you away because it hurts too much for you to be there, but not be there? I don't know. All I know is that I say mean things,and then feel bad. What can I do? You'd rather make the same mistake over and over again, and lie, and be fake, and run from something new because you're afraid. Do I hate you for what you've done to me? Yes. Do I love you still? Yeah, but I can't say those words. They don't mean anything to you anymore. Where once you couldn't get enough of me saying it because it "just sounded different" coming from me, now I say it and it bounces off of you.

It's hard to get out of my routine of talking to her every night. Now I'm incredibly depressed by this that I'm either sleeping as much as possible, or not at all. Needless to say it's fucking up my energy. I'm in a bad mood all the time and all I want her to do is walk up to me and hug me, and that can't happen.

What angers me the most is the lie. Twice her decision was to take time off from both of us, and I was all for that. First time she hated him and didn't want him in her life. Second time she couldn't be with someone she cheated on. Both times as soon as he showed up again she went running back. She seems to think that it's a sign that he keeps taking her back when it's not. It's just a person with nothing else in their life so they are holding onto a form of comfort (sound familiar Diana? that's exactly what I did to you...). Because of this I doubt everything from the past.

She claims she told him, but that too I doubt. Maybe that she cheated on him (now 3 times with me) , but in the words to him I'm sure she neglected to tell him about the times she told me she loved me, how she fell in love with me, the touches, the looks, the phone calls, the other life she had with me that she so easily threw away because he's been there longer and she's afraid to be without him. That's why I'm doing this. She's afraid to be without him, then I can't be there. She's not afraid to be without me. I only gave her everything for over a year, and I'm easily forgotten. Now she doesn't have me to give her what he didn't. She doesn't have the constant "I love you"s, or the looks, touches, hugs, phone calls...hope every day. That's gone for comfort and routine. Sadly she forgot about the comfort and routine she's so easily given up with me gone.

Now the question I'm struggling with - did she really love me? If so, how do you get rid of it so quickly? Did she really consider me as more? If so, how do you have those two lives? I can't believe she loved me. In my mind I was a series of mistakes. Situations where she got caught up in the moment. That makes sense. How many times did she hug me? Kiss me? How many times did she ask me to see her? How many times did she tell me she loved me, or missed me without me doing it first? The answer to all of those would be 0. Never had a chance. She never allowed herself to see what I could be because of fear. So now I'm left with this incredibly huge painful empty feeling while she spends all her concentration on trying to fix things (again) with him, and proving to him that I was a mistake from the past that she'll never make again. My love was a mistake.

Sadly, this distance I've put up is actually quite beneficial to her. It allows her to not miss me, not see me or talk to me so she can fix things with him without our cycle coming back again.

What sucks the most...what will always hurt the most, is that I was so sure. For the first time in my life I knew what this was. I knew what I felt. I wasn't afraid of it. That's not an exageration. I have always questioned and second guessed any decision of mine. Not this one. I knew I was right. My mind, heart, body..everything was telling me that I was right.

In the end, being right hurts too much. I rather would have been wrong.

Still, I miss her. I'm a stupid fool who misses her. I have an empty feeling inside of me. A feeling that rivals anything I've ever felt before. She gave me the biggest high of my life, and now I'm feeling a huge low.

I wish I could tell her I love her. But it doesn't matter at this point. It's goign to take me a long time to move on from this.

I just wish I could hold her again.

Time for more sleep.

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October 13th, 2008

09:29 pm
The only thing keeping me sane right now is training again. Things that seemed like a great idea at the time, something that was a wonderful experience (for me anyway) turned out to be awful, and ruined everything. So, right now I'm feeling pretty alone, having lost two people, one I willingly gave up, and the other leaving me...or taking time away from me.

It's hard to get used to a change, or many changes. I think that I'm doing okay considering. Not that I'm used to the changes, or want them, but I'm coping. It's allowed me to realize that a lot of what I was "positive" about before was mostly what I wanted to see, and probably not what was really there. I don't know what to think these days, other than a big part of what made me happy is now gone. It's hard to accept, hard to deal with, and I know there are plenty out there, but this was the first one like this.

Those left that actually read this know that I've dated a lot. Some of you would call those girls "super models" because of their looks, but there wasn't much else. This girl was easily the first I loved, the first I dared to truly love and allow to love..and love me.

I'm sure this is all for the good in the long run, and when all is said and done I'll have grown from this, as will everyone else. I just feel that I'm going to lose again. If that's the case then so be it, but it will still hurt.

I don't know what I'm saying. I just miss you. You know that. I miss your voice at night. I miss your touch. I miss your smile. I miss your hope.

I miss us.

I still love us.

I talked to my cousin the other day about things. She made me realize that it can happen, but at this point it doesn't stand a chance. Sure, my side is the same, but her's is dead. She told me about the boyfriend she had in college for 4 years, how he was "the one". Then she didn't know if he was the one, but there was the comfort that was always there, and she didn't want to lose that, or start over again because of a slight doubt in her mind. Then she met Jon and felt things she never felt before. Everything seemed right with him. She had the same fears still, but when she was with him everything made sense. She was strong enough to see what that meant, and almost 10 years later is still married to him, with kids.

I guess some people are strong enough to find out what their heart is telling them, and some people are too afraid to see what else is out there.

I'm going to keep that conversation though. It did make me feel better, and who knows who I'll meet in the future.

I need to really concentrate on me. Find my happiness. Find my smile. For the past year I've been so busy trying to help someone else find their smile, that I didn't realize there was no one there helping me find mine. Now I'm stuck doing it on my own.

Ok. Done rambling. Bed now.

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September 1st, 2008

06:13 pm
majik still loves me. he laughs with me, not at me!

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July 31st, 2008

07:46 pm - Things to do once I move...
-Get a bedroom set. No more Umass/Furniture exchange/leftovers from home furniture
-Get a living room set (see above)
-Learn guitar...for real this time. Even if it's just one song. Start somewhere. Make it happen.
-Get over things. Learn to love again. Her loss, not yours. Continue doing what you're doing in seeing others.
-Gain confidence in your smile.
-Save money.
-Get rid of old man car. Get truck?
-Realize her touch isn't the only one in the world to make you feel this way. Go out and find it. She doesn't need you, why do you need her? Your love has been replaced.

Obviously this is in no order, and I've already started some of these. I'd really like to have checked off all of them within the year.

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July 28th, 2008

09:06 pm
For the first time in my life someone told me that they loved me, and I believed it. It was the most wonderful thing I have ever heard. So overwhelming...it flowed over my whole body, and I lost all control and cried for quite some time. Sadly it was bittersweet, as I felt it would be. In finally hearing what I've always wanted, I have to give up everything I've fought for these past 8 months. She's right. It's not fair to anyone involved, and no matter how much I want to think otherwise, I can't win this. I still want to fight, but I can't. I feel like I did all those years ago when I opened someone up, showed them a life they never knew, and then had to leave.

Maybe that's my part in life. Never for myself, only for others. Shouldn't that mean I have a lot of good karma built up?

I know I'm a good person. I know I'm great for her, but nothing I can do will ever change things. Her being happy is important, and me being around isn't allowing her to relax. I'd rather be miserable every day and just put on a front at work than her see me upset. I guess that's how things should be. She deserves it. She's been through too much to not be happy, and I guess in her mind I'm not the answer. So be it. I don't feel bad...meaning I'm not blaming anything on myself. I did everything I could have possibly done, and have no regrets. Well, that's a lie. Just one regret. I should have kissed her in the rain. It felt perfect, it felt right, fuck the situation. I should have. I didn't though.

I hate seeing her cry. I hate her being upset. I realize that by feeling this way it means I lost a long time ago. As soon as I put her before me it means I wasn't going to get what I wanted. Maybe I still have a lot to learn in all this.

It's going to take me a long time to heal from this one. I can't just go and sleep with some girl. Forcing myself to talk to girls, or go on dates is hard because I just want it to be her, and because of that, I'll never have her. Makes no sense, and that's the problem. I'm still trying to use logic.

I guess I wish her luck. If she can't be happy with me she should be happy with someone. I'll find someone else some day. Until then, this is just between you and me...smashed hat.

Fuck that. I wrote that last night, and now I've changed my mind. I don't know what I feel right now, other than broken in two. Nothing more to say.

well my money's no good when i'm up to no good
no good ever comes from it, honest
i got a really good heart, i just can't catch a break
if i could i'd treat you like you wanted me to, i promise

but i'm fractured from the fall
and i want to go home
i'm fractured from the fall
and i want to go home

it takes two when it used to take one...

I only hope I'm strong enough to do this. Right now, I know I'm not.

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July 17th, 2008

08:22 pm - blah again
Heard this song today. I'm going to be an emo bitch for a moment. Just wish I knew who this applied to...

Your sorry eyes cut through the bone
Make it hard to leave you alone
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new
Baby you're a lost, baby you're a lost
Baby you're a lost cause

There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming, they see you go
They know your secrets, and you know theirs
This town is crazy, nobody cares

I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause
There's a place you are going
You ain't never been before
No one laughing at your back now
No one's standing at your door
That's what you thought love was for

I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

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July 11th, 2008

07:34 am
You know, this should be a lot easier. Looking back, I was the one that gave everything. So now that I've made myself stop, why hasn't it gotten any easier? Could it be that I actually loved saying and doing the things that I did? Why is it (so unfair) that one person can have such an effect on me? How is it that for years I wasn't like this, and then when I finally am and truly love the person I realized I always wanted to be...it was wrong?

Don't they always say "you just know"? I knew, but was wrong.

Why is there still fight in me? Why do I still want to fight for her? Maybe because I'm more afraid of the alternative - running away with my tail between my legs. I lost. I have to get over it. Nothing's going to change. She's not going to wake up some day and want me instead. She's not even weighing me as an option. Part of me wants to ask her if she's really happier now, but you know what? If she wanted me, she would come and tell me.

She's doing nothing even close to that now. I don't even get a hello anymore. She used to go out of her way to say hello.

I wish someone had answers for me. Or atleast advice on how to make this stop. I can't hurt like this anymore. I miss her too much to pretend like nothing bothers me. I show it all the time. Either none of this bothers her, or she's great at acting, but it doesn't matter. I think of her with him and I get so uncomfortable all over. I think of her with me and I get sad. I think of her and I miss her. How is it that one person can have such a hold over me? I hate this.

I just want to hug her again.

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July 9th, 2008

09:24 pm
Ok. So I'm doing a REALLY bad job of this. Today sucked. It's like I either miss her to the max, or can't stand to be around her. Usually if I'm not missing her, and I can't stand her, it's due to my own stupid imagination. In my mind she's already over me and moved on completely, and I'm left trying to figure out how this happened. So stupid.

Talked to Markle last night. He said something that made me think: he never felt what I described. I realized that from that, we probably envy each other. Perhaps he envy's me for knowing such love, and perhaps I envy him for not knowing what it's like to lose it. I guess that's life though, right? It shouldn't be, but it is.

In other news, exercise and sadness are really great for losing weight. I'm melting away to less fat! Go me. If I had real ephedra I'd probably look great. Oh Stacker 2 how I miss thee. Thanks a lot Cory Stringer.

We're looking at a place in Waltham tomorrow. I drove by it tonight. It's not in the sketchy part of Waltham, which is nice. I shouldn't get shot while watching Futurama. Sadly, and I only thought of this because I'm stupid, it's right down the street from a place that apparently has the "best Margarita's", and whenever we went out, that's what she got. WOW. Can I be anymore stupid? Anyone ever see The Wedding Singer? That's me right now. Only I look more like Jon Lovitz' character.

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July 8th, 2008

08:42 pm - random shit
One thing I can say is that I'm writing again. It may only be here, but it's a start.

My toe is healing. I stepped on a wine glass when I was pet sitting with Lauren. Who leaves a wine glass on the floor of a jacuzzi? I found it with my foot. Ouch. But I'm fine. Tough guys just bleed, that's why we're men.

I'm still sad about Dave today. Like I do every year I tend to look up the same sad things that remind me of him. Here's another old song I used to listen to at UMD when I wanted to be sad about him. Yes, I used to be somewhat "emo", but not really. My emo went as far as an Ataris t-shirt, wallet chain, and crying everyday...but that was probably more due to depression.

(ignore the "video", just listen to the song)

I heard one of the most caring things the other day. She was at a funeral, Monday, and when she came back the first thing she asked me was how I was doing. She remembered what day it was. That was special to me, and surprised me. Then later she told me she said a prayer for him while at the funeral at the church. That really surprised me. Whenever I start to doubt things, she will say something to remind me that she does care. To me, that meant everything. We didn't really talk much after that. I did do something stupid today though. It's still hard being around her, and I broke down and hugged her. I walked by her, then walked by her again and quickly stepped to her and hugged her from behind. It felt wonderful to hold her again, and she held back. It felt like my arms were made to hold her. Then I just walked away. Then I got even more stupid, walked by her again (this being about a minute later), then came back and did the same thing. Only this time it was a bigger hug, and I kissed her on the cheek. As I walked away she was looking at me smiling, so I smiled back and said "I know, and I don't care".

Holding her makes me feel alive. Forcing myself to get over things makes me feel empty. For so long I've tried to do the right thing, to fix myself. My heart tells me the right thing to do is to hold her, but I can't, so I have to force myself to do the wrong thing. To let her go. I just don't know how long this is going to last.

I understand she's in pain too, but she has him, they have each other, and I'm the one that has to see her face everyday, even when she's not at work...I see it in others. So clearly, I see my love every day, everywhere I go. I even see her fucking dog in every single little animal that comes in, any chihuahua that comes in I see Gracie. That's how fucked up I still am over this.

He could never say that, or even feel that.

That's why my heart still aches.

Being around her doesn't make it harder. I'd still be in love with her if I didn't see her for the next month.

Still. I'd rather die a little more each day that we slip apart, than never have known any of the love I feel for her. I don't regret anything other than not being able to show her my love anymore.

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July 7th, 2008

09:25 pm - Happy Birthday
Today is July 7th - Dave's 27th Birthday.

Happy Birthday Dave.

Twice a year I tend to reflect on my life - March 7th, the anniversary of his passing, and today, his birthday. I often think what he would say to me if he were still here. Would he be proud or disappointed with how I have lived my life? Would he have approved of girls I've dated, jobs I've had, decisions I've made, or didn't make? The more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't think he'd be too happy with me.

In many ways I feel like I've let him down. His mother will always say to me "He always gave you the hardest time, I often wondered why you stuck around, but I know he's glad you did". I guess that can sum up a lot of my life. Sticking around through hard times, trying to enjoy the good. True, the last few years have brought both good and bad, and I've stuck through them all.

I used to get mad that he died. He had so much going in his life - very smart, loved helping people, worked with kids, artistic, knew what he wanted out of life. He was always there to help, and very rarely asked for help in return. When he first died, I often wished it were me instead of him. Just from evaluating lives - what I was doing with mine, what I had done, in comparison to him...it just didn't make any sense. I've since realized that while I don't agree that "it was his time", that I have learned an awful lot.

It sometimes bothers me that he is now just a memory, and how it often feels like nothing more, like when you read something, or see it on tv and then years later you try and remember if it was a dream, or reality. He lived a great reality, while I was often caught up in dreams.

When I meet someone new, or start dating someone, I can often judge my comfort level with them by how much I talk about Dave. Sometimes I don't want to share those memories with people that don't know him. Almost as if I'd rather keep them mine. Those that I have shared stories with should feel very special. You are a select few. Those that I've taken to his resting place should feel even more special, as there is only one of you.

I still talk to him, although these days I doubt he listens much. It seems that I only "remember" to talk to him when I'm going through stuff, and I know how that's not right. To be honest, I haven't even visited him in a few years, and I have no excuse for that, as I have been to Medfield many times. I do plan on visiting him this Friday. It's long overdue. Maybe I've put it off because I haven't done much with my life since the last time I visited him, and since I know he watches, what is there to tell him? He already knows.

I don't think he would have approved of Liz. Why the debates/arguments they would have gotten in over religion alone would have been very entertaining. He probably would have told Rachel off almost instantly, and she would have deserved it. I think he would have approved of Diana because of how she took care of me, or tried to take care of me when I would allow her to. If anything ever happened with Andrea, I know he would have welcomed her. I realized that a long time ago.

I think about him a lot. Yes, with each passing year it seems as if I think of him less, and I do feel guilty about it. I was going to call him mother today, but for some reason I chickened out. I'd like to think it was because I know how she gets when she sees/hears me, and I don't want to put her through that. It may be a bit much today. Then again, I think part of me feels that when we talk, and I tell her about my life, and how I'm not really doing much, I feel as if she'd be disappointed, that I should be doing better, that I should have listened to the words at his funeral. Of course, I know she'd never say that, or even think that. I have never met a more sweet, wonderful woman that his mother. Still, that's the way a fucked up mind thinks sometimes.

I share this story often, but I think it really is my favorite story - the time at Jeff's basement party, when I saw Ingrid for the first time, after she ended things with me. I remember being so sad, and uncomfortable there, and even though it was the winter, I stepped outside to be alone, without a coat, to try and let off some steam. He came out, no coat, to talk to me and see how I was doing. Gave advice, and helped me through what was then a really tough time (all "break ups" when you're a teenager feels like the end of the world). Something that many do for others, but the first time he did this for me. He knew me well, and this showed it.

I remember how I felt when Alex told me. Sent me an IM at Umass. I had just come back from running with Julia and I had a message on my computer from him, asking for my phone number. I think I knew right away. My first thought was that this was a joke, then I thought that people were just wrong. This was the first time that I had received news that made me sit when I heard it. Julia was a saint, didn't leave my side while I was at Umass. The wake was rough. I had never been to one before, I had no idea what to do when you go in front of the casket. I just did what others did. I think we got there early and stayed late. We all just sat in the corner on the couch, and it was almost as if after everyone passed Dave and his family they came right over to us to make sure we were okay. I felt guilty about all the attention we were getting from family and friends, but I guess none of us really knew how to act or feel. The funeral was nice, and I was able to hold it together until the end, when many months of sadness and confusion was let out. It wasn't until they played this song that I really lost it. Now I can't hear it without crying.

I remember how when I'd call him, usually about once a week, the first thing I'd ask is how he's doing. If he felt like telling me then great, if not we'd move on. After we talkeda bout it, we'd talk normally. I never wanted him to feel that I only called for an update, and I never wanted him to think that I looked at him differently, even though I did. How could I not? One of my best friends was fading before my eyes. It was hard, and I know I dealt with it the wrong way, but I've learned.

Usually this time of year I quote my favorite movie, which fits perfectly. So, here it is:

His feathers were always too bright. I can only hope that someday mine will be too.

I guess I just miss my friend....

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05:49 pm - the fear of loss
This past weekend I was pet sitting, and on Friday I was a little bored, so I decided to see what they had on DVD, and found Star Wars Episode III. I've never seen it (still haven't, fell asleep through most of it), but I do remember one part that stuck out in my memory.

I think that's probably good advice at this point. I guess basically train myself to not be afraid to lose, then losing doesn't hurt. May be too late, might not be. I should also train myself in the Tao of Steve: (1) Eliminate all your desire for her (2) Be excellent in her presence (3) Be gone.

Maybe next time.

Still, I keep thinking of awful quotes from a bad movie I watched this weekend too...sadly these are the ones that I wish were more true. HereCollapse )

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July 1st, 2008

10:00 am - another few things...
a)I woke up this morning with an incredibly sharp pain in my chest. Well, actually I was awoken at 5 this morning with an incredibly sharp pain in my chest. It lasted about 5 minutes. Maybe I should cut down on the vasopro? Right now it's just 1 pill, and 1 caffeine pill prior to the gym.

It wasn't terribly painful, just odd, a little scary, and just more things that keep piling up for this wonderful month I've had. What's now? Did the rubble burn down too?

b)Someone made 2 comments this morning to me, the better of the two being that I look like I'm melting away. I guess that's what this workout + depression does. Kind of how I lost it all before. GO SADNESS!

c)I think I scared Angela yesterday. I haven't yelled like that..well, ever. I couldn't help it, everything Andrea was saying was wrong and stupid. I just unloaded. I accepted that nothing will ever come from us (well, I think I accepted it) and just unloaded on her. Sorry, this is going to be a continuous cycle with her - issue, forgive, get back...issue, forgive, get back, issue, forgive, get back. It will forever be that way because you have one person that is too afraid to change anything in her life, and another who doesn't care one way or the other. What really got me angry was the more i said things, the more I realized how true it is and will always be this way. Some people have to learn for themselves, and some never will. Especially when they say things like they know they are throwing away one of the best things to ever happen to them, and that they are now constantly comparing everything he does to me. I guess trying to make him into me, or comparing, or hoping he'll do what I did is much better than being with me. That makes lots of sense. Always go back to "I made up my mind" and keep ignoring everything towards me. Fuck that. Live in your mistake and always think of me when you're with him. Makes for a great relationship.

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June 28th, 2008

03:14 pm
Just because I feel like it, here are all the reasons June has been terrible:

-Not only did I not place in the competition, I didn't even get 1 successful lift.
-My birthday sucked ass (see above, and due to other reasons)
-Got comfortable with someone, and then lost it
-Being forced to move by the end of July because of some reason that I don't even know about
-Spending any savings I have due to reason above
-No vacation to Vermont for me this summer

I'd like to say July will be better, but since I have to move, it won't be. Hopefully I'll have a yard sale, and sell some stuff on craigslist to get extra money, and to make the move a little bit easier with less clutter.

On the plus side, I weighed myself today - at the lowest I've ever been, aside from prior to the competition where I fasted. More reason to stop powerlifting, at least for a while. I miss feeling good about how I look.

I watched some of Jersey Girl today at the gym while doing cardio. I've seen it once and didn't like it. This time around I felt it wasn't as bad as I made it out to be. It's still not that great, but not that bad either. I probably liked it because of a song that was on when I turned it on. Since I'm still being stupid about being upset about everything, it obviously struck a chord with me. Ironicly, it was from a song by one of her favorite bands. I'm probably looking for it, but I'm seeing things everywhere. I know I did in the past too. I remember one time at a play I swear a girl there looked just like an ex, but everyone I was with thought I was crazy. Maybe I am. Probably. Once I get over things I'll probably be angry I let myself fall so far. Then again, maybe I'm just making excuses. I don't know how to feel about things. Sometimes I feel that I'm right, sometimes I feel that everyone else is right.

Well I've been afraid of changing cuz I built my life around you. Yeah, pretty much explains shit real well.

Not talking about me there.

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June 26th, 2008

09:31 am - how the mighty have fallen
I couldn't possibly try and tell the whole story, there's just not enough time in the world at this point. I'll say this - those who know me, know the story thus far, except for the part I'm about to share.

Right now, I'm angry. Okay, lets not sugarcoat - I'm fucking pissed off.

Chris would call this oneitous, but I don't know how much I buy into that at this point. This is different. Oneitous was Rachel. It was Allie. It was Amanda. It wasn't her. This was real. This was what I have wanted way back when I was 15 and was quoting Beatles lyrics and all I wanted was someone to love. I found that. I found everything that I thought I was looking for. Everything that made me feel like me. Everything that was wonderful was what I was feeling.

Now, after having some incredible moments with her, she's taking it all away from me. She's going to go back to what's comfortable, to what she's known for longer than me. Doesn't make any sense. I know I'm better, she knows it. I feel it. How can you wish you met me first, but not go after it? How can you pass up the person that you know loves you more? How can you continue to push away what has fought for 7 months, and embrace the one who has never fought?

Alex made a great point - it's not that she doesn't want to be with me, it's that she's tired of trying to choose and in a way she has shut down and is going for what is familiar. I hate that though. Passing up what is great, probably even better, for what was comfortable at one point. Trying to "fix things" for the 3rd time since meeting me, and constantly putting your feelings for me away, and only concentrating on him. I don't deserve that. I deserve all of her.

That's why it pains me so much. I was POSITIVE. It had to be right. Everything felt right. It felt perfect. It felt like everything I had gone through, all the shit that I dealt with for so long, all the pain and sadness, everything I never appreciated before happened so that when I met her I would finally get it. I would finally see it. And I did that! All of that happened and I embraced it and welcomed it and fought for it for 7 MONTHS...all for nothing now though.

So what the hell do I do? Giving up is hard - I see her 5 days a week, my feelings are intense, I care too much, she became a huge part of my everyday, and night, life. But at the same time she's going to keep trying for him, knowing I care more. Knowing he's wrong, but feels she owes it to him because of the time they've had, to try again..WHEN HE DOESN'T EVEN CARE!!!!!! Do I keep fighting? I like fighting for her. She's worth it. My heart tells me she's worth it. My head tells me she's right...but fighting just means that I become the weird sketchy guy that just doesn't get it.

I love her. That's all I know. I can keep going on and on, but summing it up this way is a lot easier...I love her. She's not a Liz, she's not someone/something to do. She's so much more. So much more than I ever thought I'd ever have.

Getting over her means I have to be stronger than I ever thought I could be. Sadly, it may mean looking for a new job. That's not good. I love my job for the most part, and most of the people I work with..but her going back to him, her being back in his arms instead of mine makes my heart sink. It brings me sadness. She means the world to me and I can't let her go.

It's not a matter of me not being good enough. Not a matter of her not having feelings for me. If it were one of those two it may be easier to accept. It's simply her being wrong. Making the wrong choices because she feels she has to, and in the process is losing the right choice. I don't want to give up, I don't want to lose her, I don't want to forget what it's like to touch her face, or see her smile. I don't want to give up anything that I've felt. I just don't know what to do or how to deal with this.

In the past I would have blamed this on me - too fat, too ugly, too stupid, too something that got in the way which was my fault (in my head). This is harder. Someone likes you a lot, loves many things about you, feels you're wonderful...but isn't taking you out of their fears of change.

Sure, give it time, things may change, but they may not. So what..give it time, but move on at the same time? I've already lost one friend over this who doesn't approve of my feelings, I'm scared to death of doing something wrong and losing her over this...any advice? Someone? Anyone? I have no clue, and I'm sinking in my own confusion and stupidity.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed

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June 21st, 2008

11:44 am
Heart of gold but it lost its pride
Beautiful veins and bloodshot eyes
I've seen your face in another light
Why'd you have to go and let it die?

Why'd you have to go and let it die?
Why'd you have to go and let it die?
In too deep and out of time.
Why'd you have to go and let it die?

A simple man and his blushing bride
Intravenous, intertwined
Hearts gone cold your hands were tied
Why'd you have to go and let it die?

Why'd you have to go and let it die?
Why'd you have to go and let it die?
In too deep and out of time.
Why'd you have to go and let it die?

Do you ever think of me?
You're so considerate.
Do you ever think of me?
Oh, so considerate.

In too deep and lost in time
Why'd you have to go and let it die?
Beautiful veins and bloodshot eyes
Why'd you have to go and let it die?

Hearts gone cold and hands were tied.
Why'd you have to go and let it die?
Why'd you have to go and let it die?

Do you ever think of me?
You're so considerate.
Did you ever think of me?
Oh, so considerate.

In too deep and lost in time
Why'd you have to go and let it die?
Beautiful veins and bloodshot eyes
Why'd you have to go and let it die?

Hearts gone cold and hands were tied.
Why'd you have to go and let it die?

Why'd you have to go and let this die?
Why'd you have to go and let this die?
Why'd you have to go and let this die?
Why'd you have to go and let this die?

Why'd you have to go and let it die?

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June 18th, 2008

10:18 pm - para usted
I'm posting these for someone. Hope it makes some sense to her. It does to me. It always has.

Hey JudeCollapse )

and the first half of this video...

Across the UniverseCollapse )

Yeah. Both have actually meant a lot to me. If you like the Beatles, or some of their music, I also highly suggest looking into this movie.

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December 3rd, 2007

09:13 pm - great workout
Wow. What a great workout. Today was the last heavy day really before the meet, so I decided to push it a little and do more than the 90%. It went a little something like this:

1-4: ad lib
5, 6: 385lbs
7: 395lbs
8: 405lbs

All felt really good, and pretty easy.

1-4: ad lib
5, 6: 255lbs
7: 265lbs
8: 275lbs

All felt easy. Even 275 went up like nothing. No pauses, no struggles, no music and no wraps.

1-4: ad lib
5,6: 365lbs
7: 385lbs
8: 405lbs

This was the best. In June 405 was a PR that I barely got at the competition. It went up so easy tonight it wasn't even funny. This made me very happy. I tied two PRs tonight, and they felt very easy.

Combine this with several really great, and curious, conversations with a special little lady, and I am in a very good mood!

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November 19th, 2007

09:23 pm - cocaine's a hell of a drug
Well, maybe not cocaine, but other stuff.

I had the best workout that I've had in weeks tonight. I finally have things in order: tighter belt, liquid chalk, and ephedra stacked with caffeine. Let me tell you, I felt great tonight.

Squat 4 x 2 @ 87%: 365, 365, 365, 375
I think because it took a little bit for things to kick in, but 375 felt easier than my first set of 365. I felt great. Considering last monday 365 felt really hard, and I think I even dropped down for my last set, tonight was something else.

Bench 4 x 2 @ 97%: 265 (4 times)
Bench was a little harder, but still, 265 was good. I didn't need help on any of the reps, but other than the first set, I had to stop after 1 rep and rack the bar again. Still, considering in June 265 was my PR, and this is only week 2 of heavy lifting, I feel good.

Deadlift 4 x 2 @ 92%: 365, 365, 365, 385
Wow. This is the one that made me feel the best. 365 felt like nothing. I felt that I could have done it 100 times. So for fun on the last set I threw on some 10's and did 385, and you know what? No fucking problem.

I was a little nervous before tonight, thinking that I wouldn't even come close to my previous PR's (420, 275, 405), but I think that I will be able to pass most, if not all three of them, and that's my goal. If I happen to place while doing so, fantastic. If not then oh well. Hell, I'm beating the odds while losing weight, and not only keeping my strength, but apparently gaining more. But we'll see about the last bit.

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November 17th, 2007

08:21 am - lifting update
Here's the most recent update. Things have changed a bit since my last post. Last night was an easier night with only bench and deads at 80%, but still, good news all around.

I was disappointed previously at my lifts, and my hands for losing the bar so many times. Both have been fixed. My squat and deadlift have improved in form and feeling by making my belt tighter. For those of you that don't know the kind of belt that I use...BEHOLD!

Basically, like a normal belt, there are holes that determine how tight you want it to be. I had mine on the second to last one, now it's on the last one, so it's the tightest I've had this belt since I got it. Good job. It has helped a lot. Sure it gets in the way and hurts when I do deadlifts, but it has improved my deadlift also. Not just that, but I changed my form so that I have a very close stance, but a wider grip on the bar. This allows me to "rock" the bar off the ground in almost a sitting motion. I think I finally found my groove. Combine that with the arrival of my liquid grip (since chalk isn't allowed at my gym), and the bar is staying in my grasp a lot better.

Deadlift: 10 x 1 @ 80% = 315lbs

Bench felt good. It was another easy night of only 80%, but I felt that my form improved, and I had a good arch for most of the reps. I've been benching without the help of wraps. For those of you that don't know what wraps are...BEHOLD!

Yup, pretty much what they sound like. Think taping your wrists. Kind of like that. It adds stability and support. I've been using them with my bench due to my weak wrists/hands, but I've been benching without them lately since they aren't allowed at the competition (the belt is). Add to that the subtraction of music (since headphones aren't allowed at the competition), and no stimulants last night, with a lingering cold and just waking up from a nap, and I'm satisfied with the bench.

Benchpress: 10 x 1 @ 80% = 225lbs

The future should be brighter with some help on the way.

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November 12th, 2007

09:15 pm - shitty

Reps=2 Set 1 Set 2 Set 3 Set 4
Squat warmup 87-% 87-% 87-% 87-%
Bench warmup 97-% 97-% 97-% 97-%
Deadlift warmup 92-% 92-% 92-% 92-%

If you have the strength to do complexes, then do them. if not, check out early.

So here's what happened. I forgot to bring the workout, so I tried to do it from memory. I did percentages of 87%, 90ish%, and I don't even know. Basically it broke down like this:

Squat: 365, 345 (3 sets)
Why? Because 365 felt hard, which ruined the rest of my workout. I used to squat 420. Now I'd be lucky to do 380lbs. We'll have to see.

Bench: 250lbs, 245 (3 sets)
Why? Because I forgot the percentage. I did 250lbs and it felt hard. Again, my previous PR was 275lbs. Now 250lbs feels hard? Consider my opener last time was 255lbs, that's not good. Barely finished those.

Deadlift: 315lbs, 335lbs (3 sets)
Why? Again, couldn't remember the percentage. My previous best deadlift was 405lbs. But that was over the summer. 335lbs wasn't hard, considering there was no chalk and it was at the end of a shitty workout.

Overall I feel awful about this workout, and the idea of not competing has entered my mind. I'm going to purchase liquid chalk, and some supplements tonight that I hope will help, but we'll have to see. I want to chalk this up to (a) being tired since I got only 5 - 6 hours of sleep last night (b) starting a cold and (c) it's the first time I've lifted heavy in a while.

I'm giving myself 2 weeks to feel like I'm getting better. If I don't feel better by then I'm not going to compete.

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November 10th, 2007

09:06 pm - workout 4 'n stuff
Tonight I feel weird. Kind of lost. Wanting to hide. It could be from the workouts again. They have had this effect on me before where I'm over stimulated, or some shit like that. All I know is right now I don't feel like me.

So for this competition, it seems like people are actually going to show up. This makes me happy, and nervous. Happy because I'll have support. Nervous because of where the support is coming from.

Here goes:Collapse )

I feel good. More solid, and even a little smaller. So, here's the latest workout.

1) Incline Bench: work up to a heavy triple: 205lbs
2) Assisted Pullups: 4 x 12 supersetted with Skull Crushers: 4 x 12: 70lbs
3) Bradford Press: 4 x 12 (alternating six each side):100lbs superetted with DB Rear Delt Raises: 4 x 12: 25lbs
4) Landmines: 4 x 12: 25lbs supersetted with Vacuums: 4 x 30 seconds

Complex 3x20 with no rest inbetween, little to no weight:
1) Wide Grip Hammer Strength Bench: 120 + machine
2) Standing abs
3) Side DB raises: 15lbs
4) One arm tricep pulldowns

Looking at those numbers makes me feel weak, even though in most instances I barely finished. I'm rather curious to see how I will do.

Hopefully it won't be embarassing.

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November 9th, 2007

09:50 am
I hit a coyote today with my car. Luckily the car won, but is very beat up now and is going to cost me lots of money to fix. A $500 deductable is great, if you have $500. Anyone want to donate to the Chad's Car Killed a Coyote fund?

And now, workout #3:

1) Ultra-wide sumo DL (feet to the plates): work up to a heavy triple: 315lbs
2) DB Rows: 4 x 12 (do not rest between sides): 80lbs
3) 1-Leg Leg Press: 4 x 12 (do not rest between legs): 80lbs
4) DB Pull Throughs: 4 x 12 supersetted with Spread Eagle Situps: 4 x 12: 75lbs
5) Hammer Curls: 4 x 12 (no rest between arms) 30lbs

Complex: same as Monday

Very tiring. This workout destroyed my hamstrings, which I'm guessing was it's job. My abs are also in a lot of pain. But still, it's fun and I love it, even though I'm beyond sore at this point.

Still doing better than the Coyote.

Now I feel bad.

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November 7th, 2007

09:07 am - return to the top
Okay, so technically I was only out of power lifting for 3 months, but that's a LONG time to lose a lot of strength and get a different mindset on things. So, per the request of some, I have decided to keep track of my training and how I feel up until the meet. And why not? My ultimate goal this time around isn't even to place, but to see how far down into the next weight class I can get. I know that if I'm low enough into the weight class that there's no way I'll place, as it's one of the strongest weight classes out there, and my previous numbers (and only a month to train) won't get me a good standing.

Anyway, here's workouts 1 and 2. Keep in mind these are designed not for strength right now, but for conditioning so if it looks like a lot...it is. If the weights look low, they are, but the reps are high, and these two workouts were done in less than 15 hours of each other.

Workout #1 - 11/6/07 7:10 pm - 8:45 pm

1) Squat: 9 x 3 @ 70% of 1 rep max (300lbs)
2) Good Mornings: 4 x 5 (145lbs) superset with DB Rows 4 x 5 (80lbs)
3) Leg Curls: 4 x 5 (okay, so I messed up and did leg extensions instead, but I did the whole stack) superset with Shrugs 4 x 5 (110lb DB)
4) Russian Twists 4 x 5 (35lbs) superset with Hammer curls 4 x 5 (40lbs)

Then Barbell Complex, which is prett much like circuit training, only there's no rest inbetween. This was done at 3 sets of 20 reps with little to no weight:

1) Lunges (15lbs)
2) Crunches (no weight)
3) Pull downs (75 on the plate, who knows what it means since it's a machine)
4) Back extensions (no weight)

This kicked my ass better than birdman. I left feeling destroyed, and great at the same time. It was an intense cardio workout, and my limbs were burning. I think I dropped 500lbs of sweat during the workout as well.

Workout #2 - 11/7/07 7:30 am - 8:30 am

1) Bench 8 x 2 @ 60% of 1 rep max (155lbs)
2) Assisted chin up 4 x 5 (110lbs of help) superset with abs 4 x 5
3) Partial bar press 4 x 5 (145lbs) superset with Tates 4 x 5 (35lbs)

Complex of 3 x 20 with no rest:

1) DB bench (30lbs)
2) Side DB raises (10lbs)
3) Crunches
4) Tricep Pushdowns (80lbs)

Those numbers look low, and rather wimpy, but my body was burning so much that there were times that lifting the little weight felt impossible. I challenge anyone to do that and tell me you aren't destroyed by the 2nd or 3rd exercise. Plus, keep in mind that this was all down in less than a day.

I'm off to shower now. Can't wait to see what tomorrow has in store!

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August 17th, 2005

08:57 am
Sorry kiddies, this journal is now friends only. Send me an email if you want to be added.

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August 16th, 2005

12:47 pm
Okay. Here's the new journal. I'll add more later.

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